Mama

Mama, I wish I was by your side as our Lord claimed you back into his arms. I wish I had another day with you, another day to see you with my own eyes. The days will no longer be the same, no matter how I try to dream that they be. I wish, but it will not come true. I did not think this would be my fate, that I would never see you again, that I had thought there would be more days and years to come. I took for granted the days that I had an opportunity, but I guess we never know.

My heart aches, my spirit aches, my soul is in sorrow. You made my heart whole, of which I am not sure it will ever be so again. I long for the days of my youth, of the days of when life was simple, and that you were always by my side.

You took me in, when you did not have to. You let me into your heart, and you into mine. My life took an unexpected turn. You did not give birth to me, but you were always meant to be my Mama. I love you more than even that, as my little hand held yours, it was love that will always be what I know of you.

I cry in silence, the world does not know. I cry deep inside, and still the world does not know. I am broken, shattered, and alone with my thoughts. My mind is still racing. Writing is the only way I know how to express even the smallest bit of my despair. I long for you, for your comforting voice, for your “I love you”, but I will no longer hear it.

The years have been too swift, they have been to fleeting, and no matter how much I beg the good Lord, I know I shall never see you again in this world.

Sadness is in my heart, and sadness is my heart. I have lost the person that loved me unconditionally, and that is hard to find, even in my still young years, I know this to be true.

It’s a sadness I’ve never felt, and it’s a sadness that weighs a lot.

I have not been a good son, but I have tried.

Was it my best, I don’t think so, it will never have been enough or even close.

What you gave me, is more than you will ever know. You changed the course of my life, and not words or even deeds could ever be enough. And yet, all I can think of now, as you lay beneath the soil of this earth.. that I could not be there with you, to be there as you met the Lord. To hold your hand, to cry and feel your embrace… to celebrate your life and your love, at that moment.

I dream most days now, mostly about you. That maybe this has all been a big mistake, that you will be there next time. I dream that when we meet again, that I would feel that caress of your loving arms. I dream so many things Mama, that I feel that I am grasping for something to wake me up from this sorrow, from this pain. I feel so numb, and yet in such pain. This is Love Mama, and I wish I could have shown you just how much you were in my heart.

My saving grace, is that the last time we spoke, I told you I loved you. How I wish that a long embrace would have come with that…

Until I see you again Mama, please forgive me for the rest of my days. That your little boy was not at your side, but you were in my heart, you were in my thoughts. And this heart will never be the same…